By John Ekongo
If I were friends with “George Where Moshixwa,” it would have been for one reason only – Meat. He being from Texas, he should love his meat like I do.
Having said that, some Stellenbosch-trained pundit of a gentleman, who makes a living from my over-exploited, albeit under-funded medical aid, deems otherwise.
I have gained a bit of weight since my varsity days, I must admit, many thanks to freshly-grilled, red-fleshed Kapana from the Single Quarters. It’s a refreshing side compared to my early years as a stick-thin nerd with big-rimmed glasses.
I went to my doctor for the usual scrutiny for the insurance guys. Just making sure I won’t cheat them out of their money in case I decided to die from an unknown disease. That’s when my GP – after his instrument, urine samples and some questions – comes out telling me I should quit on the red meat. “Hy is mos nie ernstig nie!”
After which I nicely ask the good bloke “Doctor, which part of Namibia are you from?”
Don’t get me wrong. I fully understand the implication of healthy eating, but I think some of us are taking it too far. I believe in healthy eating, but no part of eating is complete if we don’t have our well-done Namibian beef, aawe!
This reminds me: I once had a not-so-nice experience with a lady company (she was white). After pestering her for a while to dine her, she obliged and, naturally, being the true Victorian gentleman, I allowed her to decide on the venue.
Well, at a fancy eatery I was envious with grief, to see a fourteen-year-old at the next table devouring an entire, hefty, 1-odd-kg of rump steak well done, alone.
As for me, to impress my lady friend, I did a side dish of salads where I could only just recognize the crisp lettuce, the rest looked like some flowers from the well-tended gardens of the J.T. Potgieter Old Age Home.
My friend, petit yet firm-bodied, was having sparkling water to accompany her leaves. Adding insult to injury, for dessert she had butternut soup with organic carrot juice. What is that? That was the last time I forked out N$320 for salads, and let a woman choose the venue.
With that kind of loot I could have an entire grilled beast at the Siingela. It’s not an obsession, it is a cultural cuisine. You need understand why we love our braaivleis. So much so that our boys are shooting each other over there in Zim, all in the name of their beloved, roasted kapana.
Since we are a meat-loving nation, I propose that we establish a Pro-Namibian Meat Eaters Association to counter-effect the growing number of Green Party Vegetarian Inspired people in the country. For every potato and carrot juice dish they’re having, we hit back with Windhoek Lager, Mutton chops served with steamed oxtail for vegetables we can substitute with fried liver all prepared with beesvet.
I suggest we take the following measures to ensure that our meat culture will not be swollen up by this neo-age way of healthy lifestyle people. But, if necessary, if it comes to the push, we will use our highly-connected powers to implement laws. I know of a very influential PS, we always frequent the same kapana cellar at the Single Quarters during lunch hour. I am sure if I talk to him nicely we can get a law off the ground.
Also, any right-minded, patriotic Namibian watching a Dr. Phil, Oprah or Tyra Banks show must immediately be reported to authorities for deportation. Those health inserts are nothing but confusion, trying to tell us meat is not healthy, eish!
If you are in denial, it’s like you’re telling us we do not have a father of the nation. That’s very criminal.
Also, for every signed up member (the rich ones) it is expected of you four times a month to take your family out to a steakhouse for a full day’s meal – menu, beef only. For civil servants like me, once a month, considering our salaries. Do not despair. We are currently working in consultation with the management at the Kapana stalls for subsidies. There should not be any reason not to eat meat at all.
Lastly, to promote our meat-eating status, we will hold annual gout-planning strategic counter-effectiveness conferences to show the doctors there is nothing odd about the foot-pains. All they need to do is increase the benefits on the medical fund.
Failing to follow these guidelines, you will be brought before the High Council of Meat Eaters Association at Otjombiinde to answer to your Anti-Namibia behaviour.